Life Transitions : Dr. Chris Wolf Presents Research on Bereavement, Grief and Mourning
Life Transitions: Bereavement, Grief and Mourning
A major stressful life transition is the loss of a loved one or significant other. While bereavement, grief and mourning are often used interchangeably, they are really defined differently. Bereavement refers to having lost a significant other to death. Grief refers to your personal reaction or response to the loss of the significant other. Whereas Mourning is the public expression of that loss such as a funeral or wake.
Normal Grief
Grief reactions can vary significantly depending on who is lost, the depth of relationship with the person, the circumstances surrounding the death and how the loss affects our day-to-day life and functioning. People express grief differently and their response to the loss may differ significantly from one loss to another. For example, John had a close relationship with his grandmother as she raised him. Her loss resulted in a depth of grief and the necessity to take off over a week from work to process the loss. Even six months later he has periodic crying spells when triggered about his grandmother. Conversely, two months after his grandmother’s death his aunt died. He was sad to hear of the loss but since they had not been that close, he coped very well.
Our reactions to grief and loss include emotional, behavioral and physical symptoms. Below are examples of “normal” symptoms in each category.
Behavioral Symptoms
· Weight Loss or Poor Appetite
· Social Withdrawal
· Crying Unexpectedly
· Insomnia or Sleeping more than normal
· Poor Concentration and Attention
· Difficulty Making Decisions
Emotional Symptoms
· Irritability and Low Tolerance for Frustration
· Sadness
· Guilt
· Shock, Denial, Emotional numbness
· Anger (at a Higher Power or others)
Physical Symptoms
· Neurocognitive or Memory problems
· Fatigue
· Low Energy
· Abdominal Distress
· Headaches
· Other Pain Flare-ups
There are also symptoms of grief which we consider to be “abnormal.” These are symptoms that will surely require professional intervention.
Abnormal Symptoms
· Drug Abuse
· Alcohol Abuse
· Violence
· Suicidal Thoughts
What is Considered Normal Length of Grief?
The length of time that one suffers grief varies from person to person. Research indicates that the average recovery time is from 18 to 24 months. Nevertheless, people will often continue to experience stronger reactions to the loss around holidays, the love one’s birthday, anniversaries or other meaningful dates. These reactions are within the “norm.”
What are the Sages of Grief?
Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross outlined the stages of grief as part of her research on this important topic. Please keep in mind that the stages do not necessarily occur in order. In fact, it is not uncommon from people to move back and forth through these stages. Some stages could even be “skipped.” The Grief Stages are only to be considered a guide for understanding to those grieving or others.
· Denial: Not acknowledging the loss sometimes helps the person to contain the shock of the loss. As other defense mechanisms, it can help people feel safe until they are ready to cope with the loss.
· Sadness and Depression: During this stage, deep, intense grief and mourning appear. It can seem overwhelming with a full understanding of the loss. Crying unexpectedly is common here. Lack of interest in usually enjoyed activities and withdrawal from people is also common. However, despite the above tendencies, the best thing to do is to keep active and engage with supportive people. This helps people work through the full and deep range of these emotions.
· Anger: This can range from mild to full-blown rage at God, the person who died or friends and relatives. Exercise, hobbies, or counseling can be outlets for release of these intense feelings. Other emotions such as guilt, shame or blame may need to be addressed.
· Acceptance: Coming to terms with the loss occurs at this stage. Questions may remain unanswered. Thoughts about the lost one does not stop. But this stage indicates that the person is willing to adapt and make the readjustments needed to reinvest in their life. This is a stage where the “new normal” is accepted.
What Helps?
1. It is imperative that you give yourself the time to go through the grieving process. I have had a clients who did not do this and suffered more than they would have otherwise. Pushing away or suppressing your feelings does not work in the long-run. It only delays the grief process.
2. Find the people in your life who will provide you the kind of support that you require. Be sure to tell them how they can be of assistance. This may just be listening. Who in your life will allow you to express your feelings of loss and be supportive?
3. Do not let your health suffer. Continue any exercise you have been doing or at least go for walks. Take all prescribed medicines and continue any vitamins or herbals you would normally take. Keep scheduled doctor appointments. Continue to eat at normal times even if you don’t feel like eating. Remember what Hippocrates said, “Let food be thy medicine.”
4. Do not make any major life changes. It is imperative that you give yourself the time to adjust to your loss. Do not change jobs, move, sell your home, marry, etc. Remember as noted above decision-making can be impaired at this time and your judgment could be clouded.
5. Journaling can be a big help. It allows you to express your thoughts and feelings in an unedited and private way. Write a story of your loss and how it has affected your feelings and perceptions about the world and life.
6. It is often helpful to find a method to memorialize the lost loved one. Some people plant a garden, tree, contribute or start a charity or other activities which are helpful.
7. Stay as active as you can. Exercise, outings with supportive others, starting a new hobby dedicated to the love one are all opportunities and good uses of energy to get through this difficult period in a healthy and constructive manner.
Should you wish some personal counseling during this or any other important life transitions, please reach out. Considered a FREE no obligation 20-minute consultation.
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REFERENCES
Aartsen, MJ, Van Tilberg, T, Smits, CH, Comijs, HC, & Knipscheer, KC. (2005). Does widowhood affect memory performance of older persons? Psychological Medicine, 35(2), 217-226.
Chen, JH, Gill, TM, & Prigerson, HG. (2005). Health behaviors associated with better quality of life for older bereaved persons. Journal of Palliative Medicine, 8(1), 96-106.
Clark, A. (2004). Working with grieving adults. Advances in Psychiatric Treatment, 10, 164-170.
Clements, PT, DeRanieri, JT, Vigil, GJ, & Benasutti, KM. (2004). Life after death: Greif therapy after the suddent traumatic death of a family member. Perspectives in Psychiatric Care, 40(4), 149-154.
Fauri, DP, Ettner, B, & Kovacs, PJ. (2000). Bereavement services in acute care settings. Death Studies, 24, 51-64.